1. I am the only person in the family who knows her actual financial and relationship condition. If something happens to her, I am afraid that my mum and myself will say why I didnt do something to help her.
2. I was mean to my sister when we were growing up. Once I was on stage practicising choir for end-of-the-year performance, my sister came on stage. It was recess, there were other students who were on stage. I scolded her and chased her off the stage. I can still remember her angry and sad look. I saw how my elder daughter did this to my younger daughter. I understood how both of them felt. It was awful. Really awful. Another occasion was I was packing to go to KL with my grandmother, my sister excitedly handed me some origami she did, something like a gift for me to bring to KL. I was not interested. I thought those stuff she made was stupid. I feel really bad and sad just typing this now. I am very sorry for doing all this to her.I feel responsible for her loneliness in those early years. As we grew up, I felt it was just luck that I managed to get married and have a stable family. I am trying to make it up to her, the best way that I know.
3. I am afraid that when my sister is sad or in trouble, my mum will be sad and dramatic too. I can handle my mum who is angry and bossy and demanding. But I am afraid of facing my mum who is in distress and sad. Her fear seems to be contagious. I will worry so much that I can't sleep at night.
4. I suspect part of the reason is because I want to appear as the good sister. One who went all out to help her family. It's something like an acknowledgement. Something like I already did my best, did my part so nobody can blame me for anything.
5. I dont have any focus in my life. So I try to find things or problems to worry, because I have no goals.
6. I worry to 'get-myself-ready' for my sister's next drama or sadness. I am worried if I get too carried away when things are peaceful, I wont be able to handle the situation when it gets worse later.
7. I can't drive to her house yet. So I blame myself for not being able to get to her when she is sad.
I have applied my mum's standard of perfection to my sister. If she is married, have a house of her own, then only is she considered good enough. Then I wont have to worry about her anymore. I am always envious of my friend Kim who has a younger sister who is 'steady', smart and independent. I wanted my sister to be like her.
What if I am wrong all along?
Wrong to judge and wrong to compare.
Troubles, uncertainties, stress, sadness are all part of life. Just because they exist in our lives doesnt make our lives any less good. Our lives are good when we are able to get past these, when we are able to go through them, be broken but still come out of it alive.
I need to let my sister be. She can handle her problems, always have.
I need to focus on myself. When I am stronger and happier, I am more capable of helping my loved ones.
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