过日子

 我常常担心如果没好好对待女儿，她们长大了会有原生家庭的伤害。那种伤害像耶稣背着的十字架，会拖着你一辈子。耶稣也没背这么久。

可是就这么一直担心，日子却不能这么过。因为我们都不知道自己还有多久能够陪伴孩子。

可能就应该这样吧，让孩子觉得自己有被爱着，被重视着，就够了。其他的，是孩子自己接下来的功课。

我做不到的，就不能期待孩子来替我完成。

伟人还是小人物都得过日子。活着是一门学问，过日子是一种修行。每一个人都有难处。

Money (Will) Spent

 I feel a bit resentful to give the money for rental to my sister. The amount will at least be RM4k. 

I keep telling myself, it's money well-spent. Get her out of that house, then less worry for me.

I can earn back the money soon. It goes the same for the money that I will be giving her monthly once she moves out. A bit hard to let go of the money.

But it's for a good cause. 

Anyway I can afford it.

And sleep better at night.

Mentor

四十岁以后，我一直希望能找到一位Mentor.

我希望有位有经验，有知识的老师/师傅 来指导我接下来该怎么走。

小学时，梁老师说我不能当团长，因为我没有魄力。

今天，我想起我阿嫲，才发现，或许我寻找的不是长辈的教导，而是长辈的肯定。小时候没得到的肯定。

我还找得到吗？

迟来的感激

 小学的我，年年考第一，不止是全班，是全级。

我妈我爸把这当做理所当然。

当然夸奖我的人不少。

现在回想起来，只有一个人的夸奖是最真诚的。

她和别人说起时，眼里的光芒很真实。好像我考中状元一样，光宗耀祖。

这么多年过去了，我却到今天才发觉。

阿嫲，对不起，当年我应该好好跟你说声谢谢。

Just letting it happen

 My sister texted and called to say she is looking for a studio to move out by end of the year. She will need to take cash advance from her credit card to pay for rental.

My stomach churned and I had to go to toilet after hearing it.

But it's ok. Sometimes you gotta let it happen. Let things happen, let people take care of it themselves.

Maybe it'll turn out ok. 

I remember the lights in the operating theatre when I had my appendics removed 11 years ago. Or maybe I just remember the lights shown in the dramas. :) One day if I am lying below these lights again, would I feel sad or regretful of the things I havent done in my life? 

Maybe I will. Then I shall focus on myself more. Every moment. 

The other day, when my friend share the messages she received from friends before going into surgery, I caught myself comparing myself with her friends. I was telling myself : see, there are other people who are willing to do more for her, I should do more, then my friend will be closer to me.

That was quite a realisation.

Yes, friendship is based on what you say and do for your friends. But it's not built on entirely how much you do. 

My action is more to get acknowledgement. There will be no end to this. 

There should be not so many SHOULDs in my life. Just BE.

It's not going to come to me

I was a straight A student right from Standard One.

I was the top of the form for 6 consecutive years. Just scoring below 80% was a major disaster to my mother and I.

Although my studies were good, somehow they were never good enough for my mother. She was always saying I was stupid and careless. I became very sensitive to other people's judgement of me. 

My aunt adopted a baby girl when she awas in mid fifties. The baby was given the name Allison.

My mum likes to sing praises of Allison. From her studies - a far cry from my impeccable record in school - to her recent interest in sewing and cooking.

When I argued that her results were nothing comparable to mine, my mum would say it's not fair to compare. Allison transfered from Cambodia (where my aunt was working previously) to a school in Petaling Jaya. Thus her results were good for a new student.

Allison is 14 now. During the lockdown period, she has taken an interest to sewing and cooking. My mum was saying Allison was very good in this and that.

As I started to argue with my mum on this again, I saw the truth that the compliments and acknowledgement that I yearned from my mum are not coming to me ever. 

My mum is 70. The best that I can do now is tell her I feel. To tell her I wish she could tell me that I was good too.

Miss K

I had problems with 2 Miss K. Miss Kee and Miss Koe. 

Miss Kee was my piano teacher. I started taking lessons when I was six years old. Her house was 5 minutes walk from my Grandma's. Sometimes my grandma would walk me there or waited at the gate for me when the class is over. My grandma knew Miss Kee's grandma. Miss Kee's house had a badminton court and a nice garden. I love sitting at the swing after my lesson was over. The first few years was ok. As I got to higher grade, Miss Kee wanted to focus on her students in Singapore, thus she had her younger sister - Kannie take over my class. At that point, my class was attended by 2 other students - Li Kai and Jamie. My mum said Miss Kee's mum was a bit of the snob - she was nicer to students from richer families. Maybe my mum felt this because of her inferior complex. She is always feeling other people have better lives than her. 

 One of my last lessons with Miss Kee was right before my Grade 8 exams. She had not seen me for some time. She was not happy with my performance. She felt I was not ready for my exams. She got to a point where she got really angry and was scolding me. I cried. My tears dropped on the piano keys, when Miss Kee noticed them, I quickly wiped them away. I was 14. She was perhaps the first adult - aside from my parents - who made me cry. I failed my Grade 8 exam and did not continue with the lessons. After that, Miss Kee's mum called and asked if I wanted to attend Miss Kee's wedding dinner. It was one of the most ridiculous questions I have ever heard. Why would I want to go? 

I started learning cello when I was 41. I often compared my cello teacher with Miss K. They were of similar age. Sometimes I felt maybe I have placed unrealistic expectations on Miss Kee. I expected her to be the kind, gentle and patient - the typical piano teacher we see in movies. All the while, probably due to my mum's influence, I felt she looked down on me as well, because I didnt have perfect pitch and was not musically inclined. 

 Miss Koe was my English teacher in Form 4 and 5. She was petite but was firm with her students. No nonsense kinda teacher. She once brought me to a spelling bee competition held at another school. She drove. During the journey, she took one sweet out and ate it. Without offering me any. I felt she like my friend Sze Kiat because Kiat's parents were doctors and her english 'seemed' better than mine. 

During one class, one of my classmates commented : Aiya, teacher, you very rich one lah 

To which she replied : Teachers are not rich, you can ask Althea. 

My parents were both teachers. Her remark was humiliating. I was horrified and speechless. For years I have pictured different scenarios where I would humiliate Miss Koe in front of other teachers for what she said. I couldnt get over it. Some months ago, I realised it was not her words which hurt the most. It was the fact that her words revealed the inferiority that I felt which made me vulnerable. I had to face the truth that I felt inferior because my parents were teacher. That somehow my family was not rich enough. 

At 41, this is puzzling. Teaching is a noble profession. My parents had provided everything that we wanted. We lived in a semi-detached house with a decent porch and garden. Why made me feel inferior? Probably it was what my mother always felt that got into me.

What I dont like about my body

I developed breasts earlier than my friends. I never understood why some teenage girls wished their breasts will become bigger overnight. 

To me, they were always too big. Right from the start. 

My mum has big breasts. Period. 

My mum has 7 sisters. So they were always making fun of her breasts. Saying they were too big. My mum is just over 5 feet tall, thus her breasts seem more prominent given her small frame. My mum always felt inferior because of her voluptous assets. She always felt they were a burden and they made her look ugly. 

It's not common for Asian women, not like how they flaunt it in the west. I am around the same height as my mum. Thus seeing how she handled her breast problems, made me feel inferior right from the start. Up till today, I would look at the clothes marketed by models thinking : the clothes look nice on them because they have small breasts. Most of the clothes in Asia are manufactured for women with breasts which are just A or B cup. These clothes will not look nice on me. 

 I have not done justice to my breasts. They are part of who I am. They make me look sexy. I am glad I have them :)

My sister

The reasons I am worried about my sister : 

 1. I am the only person in the family who knows her actual financial and relationship condition. If something happens to her, I am afraid that my mum and myself will say why I didnt do something to help her. 

 2. I was mean to my sister when we were growing up. Once I was on stage practicising choir for end-of-the-year performance, my sister came on stage. It was recess, there were other students who were on stage. I scolded her and chased her off the stage. I can still remember her angry and sad look. I saw how my elder daughter did this to my younger daughter. I understood how both of them felt. It was awful. Really awful. Another occasion was I was packing to go to KL with my grandmother, my sister excitedly handed me some origami she did, something like a gift for me to bring to KL. I was not interested. I thought those stuff she made was stupid. I feel really bad and sad just typing this now. I am very sorry for doing all this to her.I feel responsible for her loneliness in those early years. As we grew up, I felt it was just luck that I managed to get married and have a stable family. I am trying to make it up to her, the best way that I know. 

 3. I am afraid that when my sister is sad or in trouble, my mum will be sad and dramatic too. I can handle my mum who is angry and bossy and demanding. But I am afraid of facing my mum who is in distress and sad. Her fear seems to be contagious. I will worry so much that I can't sleep at night. 

 4. I suspect part of the reason is because I want to appear as the good sister. One who went all out to help her family. It's something like an acknowledgement. Something like I already did my best, did my part so nobody can blame me for anything. 

 5. I dont have any focus in my life. So I try to find things or problems to worry, because I have no goals. 

 6. I worry to 'get-myself-ready' for my sister's next drama or sadness. I am worried if I get too carried away when things are peaceful, I wont be able to handle the situation when it gets worse later. 

 7. I can't drive to her house yet. So I blame myself for not being able to get to her when she is sad. 

 I have applied my mum's standard of perfection to my sister. If she is married, have a house of her own, then only is she considered good enough. Then I wont have to worry about her anymore. I am always envious of my friend Kim who has a younger sister who is 'steady', smart and independent. I wanted my sister to be like her. 

What if I am wrong all along? Wrong to judge and wrong to compare. 

 Troubles, uncertainties, stress, sadness are all part of life. Just because they exist in our lives doesnt make our lives any less good. Our lives are good when we are able to get past these, when we are able to go through them, be broken but still come out of it alive. 

 I need to let my sister be. She can handle her problems, always have. I need to focus on myself. When I am stronger and happier, I am more capable of helping my loved ones.

 It's almost like I feel that I dont deserve to be happy...at least not for long. When things are ok for a while, I will start caution-ing myself : something is going to happen, something is going to happen..

Then I sorta 'will' something to happen. Maybe it's due to the law of attraction.

When I look within, this happens because I feel insecure. I feel I do not have the ability to handle the unexpected. Thus only when I am prepared, I can handle it better. The experience of the previous incidents were too stressful, thus my brain is trying to prevent this from happening. 

But life is such. Shit happens. All the time. 

I will be ok.