I am setting this challenge for myself. I will write on the same topic : What do I actually want - for 21 days.
1. I want to go to Japan
2. I want my savings to reach RM100k by December 2021.
3. I want to redecorate my living room.
4. I want to clean up Punishment Room.
5. I want to live and work in a different country for a year.
6. I want to drink 2liters of water everyday.
7. I want to sleep at least 7 hours everyday.
This is what I wrote in October 2020 :
1. My sister marries a man who truly loves her and respects her.
2. Be in an animated movie as voice-over with Jack Black.
3. Be an international speaker.
4. Go to Japan each year during Spring or Autumn.
5. Attend the Akita Program For Foreigners in Autumn.
6. Spend 1 year staying and working in Beijing.
7. Have a house with kitchen overlooking my beautiful garden.
8. Be part of the ensemble of String.
9. Maintain the habit of swimming x3 a week.
10. Wirte a story about 好命姨
Tonight my mother called to complain about my father. Yet again.
I have long suspected that my father is showing signs of alzheimer. I am not surprised by his behavior.
I am stressed because I have always want to make my mother happy. Any signs of distress, anxiety or sadness from her caused me to feel the same. I can't cope when she has other emotions apart from anger and joy.
My mum is just being human. She is scared and frustrated and sad seeing the deterioration of her life partner of more than 40 years. Despair that she cant do anything to stop it. She is not ready for the change, but change has started regardless.
My dad. Well, it's part of life. You grow up, grow old, become ill and eventually die.
Like what my mum claimed : we just have to face it.
1. Whatever my mother did that hurt me in the past, I know now that she didnt mean it. (January)
2. Other people / incident can be the trigger to our emotions, but we are the ones carrying the ammunition / explosive. We need to figure out the reason behind this. Then we will be free of the trigger. (January)
3. We are all victims of victims. (January)
4. Forgiveness is all about you. (Feburary)
5. Eat first. I buy things I regret later if I am hungry. I panic more when I am hungry. (February)
6. Siblings toughen you up, cos you are always in a competition for attention. (February)
7. 我们不是缺乏想象力，只是我们把想象力用在想像自己失败的样子 - from MrsMogi (February)
8. People who don't listen to themselves and take care of their own needs, will become a bigger burden to other people in future.
9. To be good at something, you need to do it everyday, but (the practice) may not be good everyday. (March)
10. Our job is to solve problems, if there are no problems, then we won't have a job - from Asha (March)
11. Don't go running after pain - from Asha (March)
8. For the Queen, there are 3 important things : Good health, strong faith and Prince Phillip. (April, after Prince Phillip's funeral)
9. I scratched my neighbour's car. The communication process could be better, although we offer compensation later on, my neighbour didnt respond, she probably refused to even consider due to pride. I didnt mean to be a bad person by not admitting to my mistake. It's just that whole scenario blew out of proportion when one party starts raising their voice and things got out of hand. I have learnt that when you want to ask for something, you really need to maintain your cool. Anger doesnt get you anything. Pride is just a fancy word - full of fluff. (October)
10. I am thankful that I wrote down some of the important things that I went through this year on this blog. Looking back, I saw that I have always been trying to fix my anxiety and worries. Showed me that I do care and love myself. I want to give myself a big hug. (Dec)
11. You need to talk to someone (really). (December)
11. Most of the time, it's our thoughts that spurred our emotions. (December)
12. Hospital Playlist is one of the best Korean Dramas I have ever watched. I long to have close friends like the characters in the drama. Shows how lonely I feel inside.
1. I care, a lot in fact too much that it governs my life, about what others think of me.
2. I am a highly sensitive person.
3. I like it that I dont spend much during the mco. The savings looks like a big achievement to me.
4. I always want to protect or fix other people because :
- I don't know what I want
- I don't dare to pursue what I want
- I want to project a better image of myself to others
- but sometimes I do genuinely care about others, how they feel and how my words and action will impact them
5. My children bring out the best and worst in me and my husband.
6. Swimming 3x a week helps to improve my health. I want to continue this habit for as long as I can.
7. Writing helps to heal what hurt me in the past.
8. Books are still my trusted mentors.
9. I stopped piano lessons when I was 14. At 41, I started learning to play the cello. I gained much joy from practicing everyday. Something I would never have experienced with the piano back then. It's amazing that I can see my improvement day after day. Sometimes even after the nth time practising the same bars in single practice. I would never have imagined that one day the most-said phrase to myself during each practice would be : Let's try again.
10. I expect my life to be perfect. Or should I say I feel safer if my life is in certain condition eg. if my family members behaved that way, things at work were happening this way etc.. Life is shit sometimes. And happiness is not the most important thing.
11. Sleep is very important. When I sleep past 1am, I am close to a zombie tbe next day.
12. Growing old is a priviledge, denied to many. It's only when you realise you may not live long enough to celebrate your 50th or 60th birthday that you realise having the chance to grow old is a precious gift.
13. Park Hae Jin is the coolest korean man alive now. Man-to-Man is my favourite Korean drama to date.
14. Love Generation is my favourite Japanese drama to date. If I had watched it when it was first aired, I wont appreciate it so much.
我好像不怎么会做‘传喻’。
我还是比较习惯做‘Althea'.
可是昨天我才意识到我的内在一直有个‘传喻’存在。一个还停留在小学的传喻。
好像没有人告诉小学的传喻，小学毕业后该怎么办。如果已经不是年年考第一的传喻，我该怎么办。所以一直到现在，我还会某种程度的嫉妒那些得奖学金的学生，那些高材生，我好像还在认为那应该是我。
可是我就得要面对，中学后我的成绩就不是第一了，小学有妈妈严苛的督促，只要三科语文都好，数学还可以，名列前茅不难。上了中学就不一样了，科目用国语教学，科目变多了。如果不懂得思考，成绩就不一定好。
中学时，以前在小学排在我后面的同学突然成绩比我好了，我想我一直觉得很丢脸。中学过后我还一直拿自己和她们比较。
我必须承认当时我不能适应中学的教学方式，我也其实不是拿奖学金的料。至少在那时的教育系统下，我不行。
我想对小学的传喻说 : 你小学很棒，接下来也一直很棒。
不是第一名后的传喻才是真正有趣又善良的传喻。
小时候，因为大人们没说你长得可爱漂亮，所以你一直以为只有比同龄的小孩成熟，成绩好，才能得到大人们的认可。
这一路走来，你大概也发现要得到认可不容易。靠得到别人的认可来肯定自己是一个无底洞。那些所谓的大人，其实也没那么了不起。
我喜欢那个脑筋转得快的传喻。有创意又懂得关心人的传喻。
传喻，要为自己好好的走下去 😁
