Control

After reading I May Be Wrong by Bjorn Nattiko Lindebled, I realised I wanted a lot of control in my life.

I have always thought it's people like my mother who was controlling. They fear if things are out of their control. That's why they developed gallbladder stones.

Or so I thought.

I know for a fact that my mind is always rehearsing, playing over conversations which are likely to happen, how I will reply (wisely), how I will get back at those who are hurting me (mostly my husband). All these to prepare myself of the possibilities that may happen, so that I am somewhat prepared. 

I am also criticizing, judging other people's words, actions. How shallow they were, how they should have behaved differently, how I would behave differently if I was in the same situation. 

Always in a defensive mode. Always trying the best to protect myself against ALL unknown. 

I wanted so much control that it took over me completely. I didnt trust anyone fully, not even my husband. I am always imagining the worst scenario, what could happen, how I would react etc, because this made me feel safe.

I was feeling anxious, worried, panicking so that I can be at ease. What a great irony. 

That's how I have been coping.

It is tiring and my emotions are influenced by the action of others 

Your thoughts are not you - another thing I learned from the book.