传喻的人生

我想来写写我的人生。每天写一点。

怕，好像占据我大部分的人生。

我的意识好像从折断一把尺开始。忘了那时几岁了。好像从那时起就开始会思考。我当时是坐在旧家的书房。

七岁前还蛮无忧无虑的。

七岁上学后发觉我的名字笔画一个比一个多。小学上的是妈妈教书的学校，变成老师的女儿。我觉得我还好，可是从一年级到三年级总有同学老师说我很骄傲。

小学一年级到六年纪，我年年第一。

牵挂

 今天突然意识到，如果少一个人牵挂我，就是我少了一个让我牵挂的人，这样我就能多一份无忧无虑。

这样想会消极吗？至少现在我觉得能让我释怀。

我总是不甘心为什么我总是主动关心别人，但那些人很少主动关心我。

他们如果没消息，应该就是没我的关心还是可以撑得下去。那应该就好了吧。

我希望能达到心境平和，没有牵挂，不忧不虑。

The trap of vaccine

When AZ vaccination was open to volunteers in April, I was skeptical. When my husband asked if I wanted to sign up, I responded : How can both of us take the risk?

I was an complete idiot. Till today, I am still beating up myself for that bad decision and for saying such foolish things.

How things quickly turned around was out of my expectation.

I wanted to register for the 2nd round of AZ vaccination. I failed.

Many people I know managed to get it. That's when the frustration and regret started to set in.

Then as the government ramp up the vaccination, the people around - some much younger - are getting the vaccination. I still had no appointment.

I discovered that there were some problems of the MySejahtera app on Huawei phones that made the users unable to submit their details. I had to use my husband's phone to log in and submit the details. My address was only updated after I did that.

I bought a Huawei P40 last year. Another bad decision.

As I continue to berate myself of the list of bad decisions I made, more and more people are getting their vaccine. Mine was still status quo.

I started to feel angry. I felt like a kid back in kindergarten. It's something like the teacher was giving out treats to each child. When it came to my turn, the teacher was disrupted by another teacher. When she came back, she continued to hand out the treat to the next child. I was forgotten. I was seething in anger. Too proud to call out to the teacher that I have not received my treat. 

I am feeling left out, like somebody is out to get me. Trying to stop me from getting the vaccination.

I didnt expect an issue like this will expose all the negative feelings in me. 

I felt like a victim. It's tiring and pointless. 

Some positive things : my boss put me in the list to get the vaccination bought by Media Prima. He took the initiative to help when the people around me didnt bother to ask if I had got my vaccination. 

My friend Janice is suffering the same fate. I am not alone, at least not for now. 

緑眼狼

 从嫉妒心看见自己的偏执和需要。

老天，怎么我想要的她通通都有。

如果你知道在远处有人一直嫉妒你所拥有的一切，一定会觉得很不舒服吧。

嫉妒就像在平静的湖面划一道口，由浅慢慢变深，最后让你看见湖底的自己

Level by level

 Imagine if your life is a game.

Every year is a new level. 

As your levels go higher, the obstacles gets more challenging. 

You have moved through each level with sweat and pain. 

Even if it gets harder with each level, you can overcome the obstacles slowly but surely because you have had the experience.

Its not about life getting harder each year, it's about how much stronger you have become. 

I can fix it

 Today I asked my intern to send out an email for me.

He asked if I wanted to check the email before he sends out. 

I replied No need, I trust you. 

In my heart I was saying Even if you messed up, I can fix it. 

Wow. 

I think that phrase I said to myself was quite something. 

Proud of myself 😉

妹妹

 从我开始工作时，我就很怕妹妹有问题，不开心。好像她是个在哭的小孩，只要她停止哭泣，我什么都愿意给她。

我总是内疚自己过得比她好。

我心里会想，如果我发生什么不幸的事，那我就比妹妹惨，那她就没理由来烦我了。

打电话给妹妹时，只要电话那头传来她开朗的笑声，我就会觉得很轻松。如果她心情不好，抱怨或是哭泣，我就会开始紧张，开始默默念佛，然后我可能会肚子不舒服，拉肚子。有时我会没来由的突然担心，我打电话给妹妹，果然她出问题或心情不好了。我也不知道那是心灵感应，还是吸引力发则-我的太担心造成妹妹真的发生问题。

妹妹住得远，我不能驾车到她家，所以我一直内疚在她需要帮助或失落时，我没法做什么。我一直害怕如果有天妹妹出事了，我会内疚一辈子，被妈妈怪我为什么没帮妹妹，被人家说我不是个好姐姐。

所以妹妹开口要钱时，我很少拒绝，总时马上转钱给她。只要她开心就好。

我一直希望妹妹生活是完美的，顺遂的，那我就心安理得。

完美是不可能的吧。

我的担心也从来没解决过或帮过妹妹什么。这样担心好累，好恐怖。好像关在隐形的牢狱里痛苦。

我希望我能乐观的面对，正视自己的焦虑，和不安的自己好好相处。