I turned 43 today.
I went to bed after midnight last night feeling peaceful and relaxed.
At least I made it to 43. Aging is a privilege denied to many.
Today I started feeling : is this it? I feel like I didn't accomplished anything in life. Or maybe it's becos it's Monday tomorrow and I have WIP first thing in the morning.
I had an 'attack' yesterday.
When I was on the way home after sending Wei to school in the morning, a thought popped up that what if my sister is distressed again..
Then the idea seeped into my mind like how a drop of ink smears the entire piece of tissue paper. Fast and silently.
I kept having worrisome thoughts the whole day. Replaying the voice of my sister when she is distressed, thinking what could have happened etc..All the while also trying to rationalise that these are just thoughts and they are not true.
Even if something really happened, it should be something she has experienced before. It's not as bad and dramatic as I imagined.
It could be the hormonal changes in my body as I start my menstrual cycle yesterday or
My mind and body were really affected by the previous incidents when something really happened to my sister. I hope to give myself a hug, telling myself that : Hey, you were really scared the last time, weren't you.. it's ok, things will be ok now.
I went for a walk in the evening. After an hour of walking, I was exhausted and my mind was less bothered. After cooking and eating dinner, I totally only lie in bed, but I couldnt fall a sleep, all the while fearing that my sister might call or I might miss her text.
I woke up at 6am, Wei didnt want to go to school so I went back to sleep. Woke up at 9am. Still feeling tired, but the sleep did help to make me feel better this morning.
